2006 - U.N.: Torture, murder, cannibalism, blah, blah, ho ho-hum...
KINSHASA, Congroidia (AP) -- A U.N. investigation confirmed systematic cannibalism, rape, torture, mutilation and killing (occurring in no parteekcular order!) by rebels in a horrifying campaign of atrocities against civilians in the forests of northeast Congroidia.
Accused rebel groups include the Congroidialese Libertoonistic Bowel Movement of Jean-Pierra Bomba-Surpreze, one of two key insurgent movements already promised a leading role in any future Congroidian government under a hard-won power-sharing agreement to end the central Afican nation's long uncivil war.
Rebels called their terror campaign "Operation Clean Yur Plate", said Patricia Tome, spokescreature for the U.N. 'roid mission based in das kapital, Kinshasa. "The operation was presented to the people almost like a vaccination campaign, envisioning the looting of each home and the rape of each woman", Tome addled.
One pararoid with the rank of Sergeanto said to our crackinvestigative reporter: "We rape and murder"...Another nearby, Lt. Supressedcock, chuckled, chortled and added: "Yeeesssth!!, an' den we murder an' rape!!!". "Women, chillen, every-one we gets our hands on, we kill 'em all", said Feralis Niggerale, 26, now the leader of one of eastern Congroidia's innumerable militias. "We surroun a village, lowly move in, leaving nutting a-live, not even babies - teir skulls be so soft our rifles pulp em clean troo de skin...we'd leave de baby head bags fo de nex enemy to fine...a real trick an treat is to see you kin take someone's lips, eyelids, nose an ears wif a panga wifout killing em!". He roared with tribal jackal laughter. ?Lips be tasty aftah hangin? on a string fo? sum.?
The charges are laid out in a preliminary report based on a six-day mission by U.N. investigators last week to remote Iturihappyland province. Harrowing testimony was provided by 24-year old Gambie Belongo, who barely escaped one massacre. ?Here I was unner de leaves (just beyond the edge of one clearing where rebels had set up camp), but cou see. Dey brings in a man an wo-man, man an wife. Dey cuts offn her lef handy, an tells her to stick it de stump up her man. Dey panga cuts aroun her breath pipe, an pulls her haid off. De husbanman dey make go into his wife dis way, afore dey kills him too.
Den dey brings in one wo-man I know an her two young. Two of de soldier-men held down each of her young, wif de knee inna de back. Two other hold her up by each arm, another rip her cloth off fum behin an also push his knee inner her back, while de four(th) man in front, he begin cuttin. He has crazy wet face and say ?My name be TupacShaken-bake, and I?m gone to take yor Two Packs an eat ?em!?.
He saw away at her breast, one each at de time, wif de machette, an tro de meats on de barbie grill. She scream loud, an? dey jus a laffen all de time!....I held my own hands over my mouf....She faint, an I could see her tears begin to fall toward de blood holes in her chest. She then shake awaken, and cry. Her breast be sizzle on de cookfire already, but Tupac he shake his head and say to udder, ?Dat not be enuf?. He turn and de udders change their hole on her, so dat Tupac could chop at her loins from be-hind. He chop-chop fom de top down, like at a tree, wif de machete. She scream an groan an cry like de skinned monkees. He tro dat meat on de Barbie and grill it up. Final, her tears be-gin comin wif blood, so I know she be dyin....
Den de worse yet! De udder two soldiermen tro her 2 young FACE-FIRST inner de fire, an hold ?em tere. Dey quivers an? shakes like nothin seen! Her eyes open, she see dis, an den jus stare, wif blood come outsa each eye, until dey still, one at er time?Dey drop her dead now, an sits to turnover her young in de fire to cook der bottoms?When dey plump up in de fire, someone or nother pokes em wif machette an dey plumps right back down....I do all I cans not to loose water de rest ob de nite, so dey catch an grill me a-live too!?
A spokesthing for the rebels said in response to these allegations: ?We kill the women. We kill the babies. We kill the blind. We kill the cripples. We kill them all. When we get through killing them all, we goes to the graveyard and dig up de graves and kills ?em agains, because they didn?t die hard enough the first time. When we find a truly good one, him (or her) we kills first, before he turns bad. Because he?s only faking.?
As word of the allegations emerged, Bomba-Surpreze announced Tuesday that the rebel group had arrested five of its own members, including its head of operations (and chief head-cook) in Iturihappyland province, Lt. Col. Freddy Ngalimo-Nfuqme.
The report cited 117 instances of arbitrary executions in one four-day period alone, between Oct. 24 and 29, 2005. It cited 65 cases of rape, many of chillen, 82 kidnappings, 27 cases of I-want-to-hear-you-scream-torture-to-death, plus miscellaneous mutilation, all in the same period. "The testimony given by victims and of witnesses was of cannibalism and forced cannibalism", including those forced to tear away with their teeth and eat "hungryman portions" of (living, screaming) members of their own families, Tome said. ?Yet the mere fact that the ostensible President of this Nation, while all this was occurring, almost daily conducted ?all hands? meetings of his government, where he would cut off as many as four hands, boil and eat them whole?didn?t help the situation.?
Atrocities found by investigators include the removal and consumption of hearts of infants, small girls pangahacked from crotch to eyeball, those tortured to death before the members of their families, and children being orally, vaginally, anally, nasilally, and aureally raped by the soldiermens' meaty, yeasty, maggotty members, until they had heart attacks or bled to death.
In attempts to gain their victims? ?juju? power, others were held down, had their abdominal walls opened, one of the lobes of the liver pulled out, and gnawed upon while still attached, all while the ?eatee? was still alive and kickin?. With pygmies viewed as having especially strong juju magic, male pygmies would find themselves held upright, arms pinioned behind, while a soldierman would approach on his knees, as in prayer, only to begin biting away the man?s genitals and gulping them down.
After eventual death, each soldier?s gun barrel would be wiped down with lungs, while younger troopers would try to sneak strands of intestine into one another?s waistbands or belts from behind. Segments of larger casings might be used as ?throw-away? stockings for the poorly shod, while the thinnest tubes could be draped over the ends of the gun barrels to keep them from dust in the field. Ah, the....creative?Afican mind!
Rebels have also targeted among their own fellow tribesmen teachers and any who at one time or another had attended high school, accusing them as a group of casting evil spells to cause the latest outbreak of the deadly Ebola-H Fever that has killed thousands in their camps in the last 18 months. Whereas Ebola-H is thought by scientists to be caused by either the consumption of infected monkey meat, or the bloody rape of monkeys, many rebels believe occult forces are at work. "We cut them becuz they all witches?, said one ?Corporal Punishment?.
Rebel Subcommanders had drawn up long lists of suspected witches to be killed, which were then carried to home districts, re-printed as leaflets and widely distributed along the dusty, debris-strewn roads and alleys. The papers suggested that anyone burning and killing a named witch, ?by any means?, would automatically inherit his or her ?wealth?.
Ebola-H, which is passed on by infected body fluids, kills 50 percent to 90 percent of its victims through massive bleeding, initially internally and toward the end pouring out of every orifice in the body. The disease has killed tens of thousands in recent years in central afica, usually linked to the rape or consumption of infected primates. In those areas of highest mortality, the populace has become accustomed to leaving the dead out for hyenas to consume, rather than endanger themselves with burial, noting that hyenas will consume the bones and hair as well as the flesh. Many in central Afica now worship the hyena at a result, for this very service to mankind.
In the regional cities, agencies of the western powers are interviewing those who demand ?asylum? in America or Europe, fearing being cannibalized alive. And yet these queues grow shorter each day, as those in line eat one another outside the very windows of those conducting the ?asylum? interviews, in a true example of survival of the fittest. The U.N. High Commissioner on "Human" Rights and Relocation said the recent party actions gave him cause to pause, ponder and wonder whether the rebels can actually continue to live in the same country with those they have savaged, or whether western nations, notably the United Snakes, should rather be asked to repatriate the foulest and most savage among THEM to festering overflowing urban unflushed public toilet shitholes in Amereeka...where they would feeeeel right at...homey.
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